Sanguis
Mood:  don't ask
I thought things were getting better, but I think thats only because I was stupid enough to let my heart fall for somebody that can't love me the way I love him.  Over time I sit and watch as he jumps to get online to be with another, and yet all i wish is for him to want to spend that much time with me instead.  I gave him the chance today, and the understanding that he has two days to figure out what he wants before I make up my mind what I want.  I see at the moment that he is too busy sitting up a desk in his own room instead of dealing with what he needs to deal with.  Its ok, maybe if I see less of him, I'll care less, maybe if I hear less of him, I'll want him less. Personally I feel myself sinking each and every day back in the darkened shell I was prior to finding him.  I guess he isn't the answer, I guess he isn't the clue.... I guess I need to start looking again.

Anger
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Giving up

I'm exhausted, I'm sure its from drinking last night and not sleeping the best, but I also think that part of it is because the old me returned, even if for a short time last night. I felt anger, not the omg your annoying me anger, or the Oh no you didn't anger, but the "I'm going to fucking kill you" anger.  I'm sure it was a mixture of things that got me there, one my best friend was talked about in town, which is a no no with me, but moreso because of who it was that talked about her...

 

He will never understand, few will.

Homework
Mood:  hug me
Well I got the joy of taking a lit class.  I love to read, so thats not really that big of a deal, something I'm somewhat looking forward to.  What I'm not looking forward to is the fact that I just found out while reading the class book, that I have to write all my papers so that the "public" can read them.  If I wanted the public to read them, then I would write a novel or something.  Well was in the process of working on a rant page, but guess I'll begin with my "homework" page and post my "public" readings to the world.  :(

Surrounded by stupidity
Mood:  lazy

I'm currently sitting in this school of children that have been lead to believe their lives will be perfect if they can only finish just four more years of hell.  Sad thing is it shall be true for a small 5% of them, while the other 95% will wonder though life wondering when the good stuff will arrive. 

 Out of that 95%, 5% will never make it to their  graduation due to death.  5% will drop out from lack of money, with crushed dreams, while 10% will drop out due to a surprise in the addition of a new family member.  25% will graduate, but won't amount to shit in life.  While the rest will become what they want, but won't be happy.  Then there is I, the happiest of them all, for I know what the future brings... Misery and darkness

To all you college students....Enjoy, you have alot to learn.. 

(if you wonder exactly why it is that I'm at the local college...I enrolled.)

Dread
Mood:  sad

I can tell the meds are gone now.  The darkness seems to completely surround me, and in a house full, I feel yet alone again.  Part of me wants to return, get away from the one that has ruined my trust yet again.  I fear I shall never be able to trust another.  Tears burn the eyes out of fear of being alone as well as never having the ability to love all because of one idiot that doesn't know the truth from a lie, an asshole that thinks the hearts of woman are for dancing on like lil devils in the night celebrating a victory.  I fear the thought of not beginning tomorrow, and yet I enjoy the thought of yet another, torn emotions, for do I want this or not, it would mean being linked to the one that is probably the last I can ever love. 

 

omg imagin the moodswings and the lonelyness I will feel if the beginning doesn't appear!!!

Sinking
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Epic failure

Many days have gone by and yet I fear I am sinking yet again.  I've noticed the meds no longer working, the mood swings returning and the darkness slowly taking me back over.  I fight these swings for one and only one right now, and yet I get nothing in return, why bother, why care?

 

Each day I sit here fighting for each breath, each enjoyable thought, my sanity, and now love.  I don't know why, I mean I end up only hurt so why try?  If he loves me, he will come to me, if he wants me he will share in my pain and sorrows for he thinks of nothing other than himself I fear.  To lie to me is a test one shall fail, to tell me the truth is a test of my pain.  I wish not to be lied to but I do not want the pain, but it comes anyways when the lie is reveiled.  I want him happy, I really do, for I do not wish this darkened shadow to overwhelm him as well, and yet it is such a lonely place here.

Welcome to the world of confusion
Mood:  not sure
Topic: New Beginnings

So I sit here wondering exactly why I'm doing this.  I think it is because a part of me wants out in to the real world, and yet the fear and shyness is still there.  I want to escape, I want to be heard, I don't want to be alone anymore...but I want my space, my privacy, my time alone!!! 

 

Sometimes sitting here I begin to feel as though nobody understands me, nobody understands how I feel, the dark fighting the light, the light fighting the dark.  I have a million thoughts running though my head, all heard and yet none listened to.  I'm wrong though, others understand.  Thanks to the net, finding the websites of others that feel exactly like me, they feel the darkness closing in, craving the light and yet wanting the comfortable feelings of the darkness.  Its taken years of my life away from me, even stopping me from writing.  Perhaps now I can attempt to try again, only time will tell.